This is Freaking Important

Hey, you guys,
I just want to say that I may or may not move my blog to my own website. I really really do love every single one of you guys who stumble across my blog. And I mean it. But I really would like to get to know you guys. Especially the random people from France who view my stuff sometimes. Because that's pretty awesome. And that one person from Germany and the guy from Malaysia, can you guys tell me about yourselves? Why you read? What you'd like to see? I like you, so don't think I'll judge or anything.

Sincerely,
Mint

Some Guidelines for PG PDA

Face it— you've at least once gotten a dirty look for kissing someone in public. Even though you and your special one probably enjoy getting all weird in public, it's really not so great for everyone who's watching. So if you're going to show some public displays of affection, you might as well check yourself before you lose the respect of everyone ever.

Don't touch the date below the neck, with the exception of arms. Just imagine their disembodied head and arms flying around with you, and keep that in mind whenever you're thinking of stroking or 

Kissing. Make it less than a second. Because you shouldn't be all gross in public. That's just wrong.

NO pet names. What do you want to do, kill us? No “muffins” or “mows” or “baby goliaths” or “angel tears.” Stop doing that, it's nasty and it makes everyone want to tie you to a stake and burn you. Phil's parents used to call each other “booby,” and that was just twisted.

Sharing food is okay, but do NOT share spaghetti. You can share any other pasta, cake, fruit, or vegetable BUT spaghetti. Spaghetti on a date is just seen as a pathetic attempt at being a cute cartoon couple. 

Be careful what you wear together. We've all seen those couples' shirts that force you to stand next to the love of your life for every single second of the day to avoid being accused of adultery. But sadly, whenever a couple walks by with the “he's/she's mine” shirts, fate stops at nothing to break them apart.

Remember that you're not in a movie. You guys remember that scene in The Fault in Our Stars where Hazel and Gus kiss in the Anne Frank house, and everyone clapped? Be real. Nobody's going to clap if you're kissing in the Anne Frank house. That's just wrong. This also goes for doing things like 

• whispering

• giggling 

• and grasping each other dramatically.

At a restaurant, occupy the whole booth. So you two lovebirds go into a restaurant, say a diner or something. You ask for a booth. Then while everybody groans because you took the last one, we hate you so much more when you two sit on one side of the booth. It's your job as a human being to sit on both sides of the booth. It's just so evil, it's so hard not to just rip one of you out and stuff you into the other side. 

Pick the right moment. You are officially the worst person in the world when you kiss at someone's wedding, or when someone accepts a proposal, or when you see animals nudging each other or whatever. It's wrong and you know you're completely messed up. Fix yourself.

Don't walk on the sidewalk. Unless, of course, you're going to walk single file, or walk at a normal pace, do not ever hold hands while walking on a sidewalk. Some people have places to be.

Use your head. Imagine your little brother or sister's there to wack you over the head with a pillow if you are ever remotely indecent. Be nice to the poor souls to have to watch you and your nuzzling. Just don't make it too gory.

Signs You're the Friend Nobody Likes

Before you even finish this sentence, please click on this link to the everything disclaimer.

And assuming that you didn't bother to read that, just don't try to deny the fact that you probably fit all of these signs and you're that friend nobody likes. That means there's something wrong with your friends. Not you. So enjoy.

Directions: Use anything within 10 feet of you to score yourself for each sign that applies to you. Be honest— if you have to spend time convincing yourself that one of these signs doesn't fit you, give yourself a point.

Ready? Yes you are.

You're the first one to fall asleep at the sleepover {1 point}. Give yourself an extra point if everyone else writes on your face or pranks you while you're sleeping. 

You're the guy who gets the drinks. Always {1 point}. 

You rely on someone's little brother to make you feel like a part of the group {2 points}.

Someone's little brother is accepted as a member of the group more than you are {5 points}. Give yourself an extra point if you're still the one getting drinks, even when the little brother is tagging along.

If you go to the movie with your friends, you can actually remember what the movie was about {2 points}. Do you remember 

• the actor?

• the main character's name?

• the movie title?

• whether the movie was bad or good?

Give yourself another point for each detail you remember.

That embarrassing photo of you was posted but you were the only one who wasn't tagged in it {2 points}.

You actually chat with your friend's parents from time to time {4 points}.

Your friends only listen to be polite {1 point}.

If you've been on a three way phone call,

• you've considered hanging up

• you've hung up

• and no one noticed

• and no one confronted you

• or you were about to hang up and you heard them talking about you

• or while you're there, no one says anything interesting

Give yourself a point for each thing that's happened to you.

Your friends randomly break out into song and you just sit there awkwardly {1 point}.

You're always the one holding the camera {1 point}.

Nobody knows that you're hosting the party {3 points}.

You're not in the same fandom that they are {20 points}. Give yourself 50 more points if you support a rival ship.

You shop at Hot Topic {1 point}.

You don't shop at Hot Topic {1 point}.

Your friends laugh at everyone else's jokes but yours {1 point}.

You only like walking in pairs; three or more is too much {1 point}.

You're always available for texting {3 points}. Give yourself an additional 3 points if you respond right back if you've been waiting for them to text you for hours.

You have to fake laughter at an inside joke {1 point}.

They add you to group chats— by accident {3 points}.

They forget your birthday {1 point}.

You know something changed but you can't put your finger on it {5 points}.

You feel lonely when you're with them {10 points}.

You would rather spend time with a jar of mayonnaise than with them and their stupid snobby face holes {10 points}.

You can't figure out who in your group of friends is the friend nobody likes {20 points}.

Hi, you guys, I'm back! Thanks to all of you who waited (the holidays are nutty) and I hope the New Year won't beat you up like the last one did. This post was all for laughs, though, so thanks for NOT getting angry while reading. Love you Xx <3

Phil's Guide to Justifying Internet Stalking

Obviously, if you're reading this, you know exactly what it feels like to lose your self respect. You know what it feels like to have others lose their respect for you. And to be caught staring at a selfie by your worst enemy (she's pretty, she's nice, and she's pretty) in envy (also known as Internet stalking). And probably, if you read my last post in this little guide, this has happened very, very recently. But don't worry, here's a guide to gaining back your self respect after Internet stalking someone.

Phil's a stalker. Phil's attractive.

It's not actually stalking. Come on, you're just watching their account without following them and not liking any photos of theirs at all. It's not like your following them. Followers are the real stalkers.

It's a confidence booster. Unless, of course, you check their account desperately looking for something new and you find out that they're doing much better than you. And probably without even stalking someone that they hate.

You're on a mission to save the planet. Because guess what? They're evil. You tried to tell everyone that they're not really feeding the homeless soup, it's poison, and when they put rat poison and blood in the water supply, you can say you told them so. Spying on them will do the world a favor.

They put it on social media. It was supposed to be seen. So it's not like they would be bothered by the fact that some random person is drooling over and hating on every photo.

It's flattering. You only wish someone was going through your profile and looking in your windows. Wouldn't it make anyone's day to find a camera in their bedroom?

You're actually studying for a change. This is for a research project, and you're an expert. You know the subject's boyfriend, siblings, mother, second cousin pet fish, and the butterfly that lives in zir backyard. Is this not a good thing?

The subject totally isn't a human with feelings. So who cares if you brutally slam them and bully and stalk them? They can't be human, just because they have a brain and can love. Just feel free to be inhumane and be a total jerk behind a computer screen. They're perfect, they can't possibly take it to heart.*

*Denotes sarcasm

5 Awkward Conversations We All Have (And How to Stop Them fromHappening)

Awkward silences. Nobody likes them. You know how it is— you're talking with a random person and then suddenly it turns weird. The whole conversation just gets really creepy, and you stand there wondering if you really just said what you just said. But no more! There are new studies on the types of awkward conversations in the world. So without further ado, please enjoy this scientific paper by Phil and his team of fictional researchers, and identify the beginning of an awkward conversation before it occurs.

Because it is your birthday. Right?

The type: “I'm not racist, but...” Okay. Both the speaker and the listener know that the most racist statement ever is about to be said. Please also count these popular variations:

• “No offense, but...”
• “I'm not sexist, but...”
• “I don't mean to be mean, but...”
• “I'm not homophobic, but...”
• “I'm saying this as a friend...”

Just shut up. There's an awkward silence coming and you know it. The only way to make this less awkward is to stop in the middle of your sentence and flop onto the ground and pretend to be a fish. Seriously. Because that's less awkward than whatever you're about to say.

The type: “Happy birthday...?” Especially if it's a family member or a really close friend. And if you're busy telling yourself you've never forgotten someone's birthday, you're in denial. And for all you lovely couples out there, with one of you that keeps forgetting your anniversary? Yeah, that 
counts.

 If you're not the lame-cover-up type person, don't bother risking saying “Happy...” whatever early or too late. Just don't mention it, carry around a lolly in your pocket, and do that “You thought I forgot, didn't you?” thing when they bring it up. It works.

The type: “Hey... you.” Don't blame yourself for this awkward conversation. You don't necessarily know this guy. You don't necessarily like this guy. You haven't seen this guy in a while, and you totally didn't expect the guy to jump ot of the bushes and yell out, “Hey, Phil! Remember me?"

So you make a pathetic attempt at saying a casual hello. It's supposed to sound all smooth and creepy, but it comes out like

“Hey... you... Yeah, remember me?”

But that's really not the best way to respond. You could always use the lolly strategy or the fish imitation strategy, but the best strategy in my book is the one where you go

“Let's come up with a nickname for you that rhymes with your name.” Not so subtle, but it's pretty nice. They're probably dull; they'll never know.

The type: “Don't you ever...?” We're all individuals. Saucy, unique, epic individuals with different tastes. But some tastes are more socially acceptable than others. So be careful before you ask, “Don't you love practicing taxidermy and dancing around with the stuffed heads, wearing nothing but a loincloth at midnight?”

Normally when that happens, you are rewarded with the familiar awkward silence, while you question your sanity and the logic all of the events of your life so far. But sometimes, instead of a mere silence, you can almost hear the listener's respect for you falling as you stand there without anything else to say.

In these cases, it is best to push the person down and run away immediately, hoping that the fall messes with their memory.

The type: “It's time to make some changes around here...” So this conversation isn't even a conversation, it's more like a speech, probably the most awkward thing of all, and if you are lucky enough to have human interaction, you probably know exactly how it feels. Please also count these popular variations:

• “I've been thinking...”
• “So <insert random person> and I have been talking...”
• “There's change over yonder...”
• “Family meeting time...”
• “It's time to make some very important decisions...”
• “Listen closely, because this affects ALL of us...”

And most of the time, the speaker has a sidekick next to them to nod vigorously and repeat the last word of every sentence they say. Everyone knows they're envisioning the American flag waving behind them, and the orchestra and the cheesy camera effects and all that jazz.

Sadly, there is no escaping this awkward conversation, and all you can do is wrap a bandage around 

your head and pretend that change really is coming, and you're not suffering this long lecture for 

nothing. Even though you probably are. Sorry.

A Tiny Note from Phil's Assistant

Just saying, posts are coming every Monday and Thursday for all of you epic people who read this very unsuccessful blog.

Phil and I would be very pleased if you shared this with friends, on Twitter or whatever. Next post is coming Thursday, of course, so hold on you butternut squashes.

Thoughts, opinions or questions would be great. Comment if you've got the courage.

Sincerely,
Mint
Phil's personal assistant

5 Classic Ways to Ask Someone Out

If you're honestly reading this because you want advice from Phil about dating, all there is to say to you is shame on you. Really. Even though Phil has a bunch of weird, awkward and slightly creepy ideas on how to ask that special someone out, he's still a total loser. Don't let him fool you.

But be sure that you're not really being creepy, don't try this at home, disclaimer, disclaimer, and fall so madly in love that you're your true, beautiful, balding self. Enjoy, nuggets.

Yes, Phil's bald and he's beautiful. Stop judging.

Operation Expensive Present. Okay, so recently Phil witnessed the asking out of a close friendliness a public setting. The guy was kind of a mean person. But he was let down easy. Why? Because in his hand was a remastered version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Guilt them into being nice to you. So let's review.

1.) Buy the gift.

2.) Give the gift.

Be sure to ask them to date you with the phrase, No pressure.

Operation Study Buddy. If you're still in school, you could always ask your crush to study with you, or review for a test. Phil and his team of researchers suggest scattering random love messages in a stack of educational note cards. Don't place them too far apart in the pile, though, or the love interest might forget the message on the last card. That would be a little bit awkward. To recap:

1.) Write romantic message on notecards.

2.) Write lame educational stuff on the rest of them.

3.) Mix them together evenly.

4.) Propose study session and let them look at the notecards.

5.) Watch anxiously and when they get to the last message, yell, So what do you say?

Operation Ask In Front of People. This one is great for people who don't mind being total wads, and it pairs well with Operation Expensive Present. Basically, buy someone a diamond ring or something and ask them in front of a bunch of lovesick teenagers. This way, they can't reject you without looking like a heartless monster. It works.

1.) Buy an amazing gift for them.

2.) Approach them in a super public setting.

3.) Call for everyone's attention.

4.) Give them the amazing gift.

5.) Watch them drown in guilt.

Operation Simplicity. For those who want to come off as deep, cheap, and romantic, this lovely proposal requires almost no money at all and invincible pride. So, in short, this is for the broke and shameless. All you need to do is get a piece of running thread from your sweater, a choppy pen, a cheesy love quote, and an affordable setting.

1.) Take your love interest to a polluted pond.

2.) Tie the piece of loose thread around xir finger.

3.) Say, "Our love is simple, not superficial, and totally beautiful, lik this ring."

4.) Give them the chewed up pen.

5.) Say, "Love is permanent. Like this pen. Can we date?"

Operation Stay Put. This one is pretty easy; all you have to do is sit and wait until your love comes to you. Do nothing, say nothing, just sit and stare at them like this:

Because what's the point? Simple steps:

1.) Do absolutely nothing.

2.) Watch romantic comedies.

3.) Complain about the cruel world.

4.) Netflix.

5.) Wait for life to come to you.

6.) Watch as your crush falls in love with someone else.

Thanks for reading! Share any other awkward relationships you know about and comment below. Just don't be a jerk. <3