Some Guidelines for PG PDA

Face it— you've at least once gotten a dirty look for kissing someone in public. Even though you and your special one probably enjoy getting all weird in public, it's really not so great for everyone who's watching. So if you're going to show some public displays of affection, you might as well check yourself before you lose the respect of everyone ever.

Don't touch the date below the neck, with the exception of arms. Just imagine their disembodied head and arms flying around with you, and keep that in mind whenever you're thinking of stroking or 

Kissing. Make it less than a second. Because you shouldn't be all gross in public. That's just wrong.

NO pet names. What do you want to do, kill us? No “muffins” or “mows” or “baby goliaths” or “angel tears.” Stop doing that, it's nasty and it makes everyone want to tie you to a stake and burn you. Phil's parents used to call each other “booby,” and that was just twisted.

Sharing food is okay, but do NOT share spaghetti. You can share any other pasta, cake, fruit, or vegetable BUT spaghetti. Spaghetti on a date is just seen as a pathetic attempt at being a cute cartoon couple. 

Be careful what you wear together. We've all seen those couples' shirts that force you to stand next to the love of your life for every single second of the day to avoid being accused of adultery. But sadly, whenever a couple walks by with the “he's/she's mine” shirts, fate stops at nothing to break them apart.

Remember that you're not in a movie. You guys remember that scene in The Fault in Our Stars where Hazel and Gus kiss in the Anne Frank house, and everyone clapped? Be real. Nobody's going to clap if you're kissing in the Anne Frank house. That's just wrong. This also goes for doing things like 

• whispering

• giggling 

• and grasping each other dramatically.

At a restaurant, occupy the whole booth. So you two lovebirds go into a restaurant, say a diner or something. You ask for a booth. Then while everybody groans because you took the last one, we hate you so much more when you two sit on one side of the booth. It's your job as a human being to sit on both sides of the booth. It's just so evil, it's so hard not to just rip one of you out and stuff you into the other side. 

Pick the right moment. You are officially the worst person in the world when you kiss at someone's wedding, or when someone accepts a proposal, or when you see animals nudging each other or whatever. It's wrong and you know you're completely messed up. Fix yourself.

Don't walk on the sidewalk. Unless, of course, you're going to walk single file, or walk at a normal pace, do not ever hold hands while walking on a sidewalk. Some people have places to be.

Use your head. Imagine your little brother or sister's there to wack you over the head with a pillow if you are ever remotely indecent. Be nice to the poor souls to have to watch you and your nuzzling. Just don't make it too gory.