Phil's Guide to Justifying Internet Stalking

Obviously, if you're reading this, you know exactly what it feels like to lose your self respect. You know what it feels like to have others lose their respect for you. And to be caught staring at a selfie by your worst enemy (she's pretty, she's nice, and she's pretty) in envy (also known as Internet stalking). And probably, if you read my last post in this little guide, this has happened very, very recently. But don't worry, here's a guide to gaining back your self respect after Internet stalking someone.

Phil's a stalker. Phil's attractive.

It's not actually stalking. Come on, you're just watching their account without following them and not liking any photos of theirs at all. It's not like your following them. Followers are the real stalkers.

It's a confidence booster. Unless, of course, you check their account desperately looking for something new and you find out that they're doing much better than you. And probably without even stalking someone that they hate.

You're on a mission to save the planet. Because guess what? They're evil. You tried to tell everyone that they're not really feeding the homeless soup, it's poison, and when they put rat poison and blood in the water supply, you can say you told them so. Spying on them will do the world a favor.

They put it on social media. It was supposed to be seen. So it's not like they would be bothered by the fact that some random person is drooling over and hating on every photo.

It's flattering. You only wish someone was going through your profile and looking in your windows. Wouldn't it make anyone's day to find a camera in their bedroom?

You're actually studying for a change. This is for a research project, and you're an expert. You know the subject's boyfriend, siblings, mother, second cousin pet fish, and the butterfly that lives in zir backyard. Is this not a good thing?

The subject totally isn't a human with feelings. So who cares if you brutally slam them and bully and stalk them? They can't be human, just because they have a brain and can love. Just feel free to be inhumane and be a total jerk behind a computer screen. They're perfect, they can't possibly take it to heart.*

*Denotes sarcasm

5 Awkward Conversations We All Have (And How to Stop Them fromHappening)

Awkward silences. Nobody likes them. You know how it is— you're talking with a random person and then suddenly it turns weird. The whole conversation just gets really creepy, and you stand there wondering if you really just said what you just said. But no more! There are new studies on the types of awkward conversations in the world. So without further ado, please enjoy this scientific paper by Phil and his team of fictional researchers, and identify the beginning of an awkward conversation before it occurs.

Because it is your birthday. Right?

The type: “I'm not racist, but...” Okay. Both the speaker and the listener know that the most racist statement ever is about to be said. Please also count these popular variations:

• “No offense, but...”
• “I'm not sexist, but...”
• “I don't mean to be mean, but...”
• “I'm not homophobic, but...”
• “I'm saying this as a friend...”

Just shut up. There's an awkward silence coming and you know it. The only way to make this less awkward is to stop in the middle of your sentence and flop onto the ground and pretend to be a fish. Seriously. Because that's less awkward than whatever you're about to say.

The type: “Happy birthday...?” Especially if it's a family member or a really close friend. And if you're busy telling yourself you've never forgotten someone's birthday, you're in denial. And for all you lovely couples out there, with one of you that keeps forgetting your anniversary? Yeah, that 
counts.

 If you're not the lame-cover-up type person, don't bother risking saying “Happy...” whatever early or too late. Just don't mention it, carry around a lolly in your pocket, and do that “You thought I forgot, didn't you?” thing when they bring it up. It works.

The type: “Hey... you.” Don't blame yourself for this awkward conversation. You don't necessarily know this guy. You don't necessarily like this guy. You haven't seen this guy in a while, and you totally didn't expect the guy to jump ot of the bushes and yell out, “Hey, Phil! Remember me?"

So you make a pathetic attempt at saying a casual hello. It's supposed to sound all smooth and creepy, but it comes out like

“Hey... you... Yeah, remember me?”

But that's really not the best way to respond. You could always use the lolly strategy or the fish imitation strategy, but the best strategy in my book is the one where you go

“Let's come up with a nickname for you that rhymes with your name.” Not so subtle, but it's pretty nice. They're probably dull; they'll never know.

The type: “Don't you ever...?” We're all individuals. Saucy, unique, epic individuals with different tastes. But some tastes are more socially acceptable than others. So be careful before you ask, “Don't you love practicing taxidermy and dancing around with the stuffed heads, wearing nothing but a loincloth at midnight?”

Normally when that happens, you are rewarded with the familiar awkward silence, while you question your sanity and the logic all of the events of your life so far. But sometimes, instead of a mere silence, you can almost hear the listener's respect for you falling as you stand there without anything else to say.

In these cases, it is best to push the person down and run away immediately, hoping that the fall messes with their memory.

The type: “It's time to make some changes around here...” So this conversation isn't even a conversation, it's more like a speech, probably the most awkward thing of all, and if you are lucky enough to have human interaction, you probably know exactly how it feels. Please also count these popular variations:

• “I've been thinking...”
• “So <insert random person> and I have been talking...”
• “There's change over yonder...”
• “Family meeting time...”
• “It's time to make some very important decisions...”
• “Listen closely, because this affects ALL of us...”

And most of the time, the speaker has a sidekick next to them to nod vigorously and repeat the last word of every sentence they say. Everyone knows they're envisioning the American flag waving behind them, and the orchestra and the cheesy camera effects and all that jazz.

Sadly, there is no escaping this awkward conversation, and all you can do is wrap a bandage around 

your head and pretend that change really is coming, and you're not suffering this long lecture for 

nothing. Even though you probably are. Sorry.

A Tiny Note from Phil's Assistant

Just saying, posts are coming every Monday and Thursday for all of you epic people who read this very unsuccessful blog.

Phil and I would be very pleased if you shared this with friends, on Twitter or whatever. Next post is coming Thursday, of course, so hold on you butternut squashes.

Thoughts, opinions or questions would be great. Comment if you've got the courage.

Sincerely,
Mint
Phil's personal assistant

5 Classic Ways to Ask Someone Out

If you're honestly reading this because you want advice from Phil about dating, all there is to say to you is shame on you. Really. Even though Phil has a bunch of weird, awkward and slightly creepy ideas on how to ask that special someone out, he's still a total loser. Don't let him fool you.

But be sure that you're not really being creepy, don't try this at home, disclaimer, disclaimer, and fall so madly in love that you're your true, beautiful, balding self. Enjoy, nuggets.

Yes, Phil's bald and he's beautiful. Stop judging.

Operation Expensive Present. Okay, so recently Phil witnessed the asking out of a close friendliness a public setting. The guy was kind of a mean person. But he was let down easy. Why? Because in his hand was a remastered version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Guilt them into being nice to you. So let's review.

1.) Buy the gift.

2.) Give the gift.

Be sure to ask them to date you with the phrase, No pressure.

Operation Study Buddy. If you're still in school, you could always ask your crush to study with you, or review for a test. Phil and his team of researchers suggest scattering random love messages in a stack of educational note cards. Don't place them too far apart in the pile, though, or the love interest might forget the message on the last card. That would be a little bit awkward. To recap:

1.) Write romantic message on notecards.

2.) Write lame educational stuff on the rest of them.

3.) Mix them together evenly.

4.) Propose study session and let them look at the notecards.

5.) Watch anxiously and when they get to the last message, yell, So what do you say?

Operation Ask In Front of People. This one is great for people who don't mind being total wads, and it pairs well with Operation Expensive Present. Basically, buy someone a diamond ring or something and ask them in front of a bunch of lovesick teenagers. This way, they can't reject you without looking like a heartless monster. It works.

1.) Buy an amazing gift for them.

2.) Approach them in a super public setting.

3.) Call for everyone's attention.

4.) Give them the amazing gift.

5.) Watch them drown in guilt.

Operation Simplicity. For those who want to come off as deep, cheap, and romantic, this lovely proposal requires almost no money at all and invincible pride. So, in short, this is for the broke and shameless. All you need to do is get a piece of running thread from your sweater, a choppy pen, a cheesy love quote, and an affordable setting.

1.) Take your love interest to a polluted pond.

2.) Tie the piece of loose thread around xir finger.

3.) Say, "Our love is simple, not superficial, and totally beautiful, lik this ring."

4.) Give them the chewed up pen.

5.) Say, "Love is permanent. Like this pen. Can we date?"

Operation Stay Put. This one is pretty easy; all you have to do is sit and wait until your love comes to you. Do nothing, say nothing, just sit and stare at them like this:

Because what's the point? Simple steps:

1.) Do absolutely nothing.

2.) Watch romantic comedies.

3.) Complain about the cruel world.

4.) Netflix.

5.) Wait for life to come to you.

6.) Watch as your crush falls in love with someone else.

Thanks for reading! Share any other awkward relationships you know about and comment below. Just don't be a jerk. <3

Phil's Guide to Polite Instastalking

How do I stalk someone on the internet without looking like a total creep? Asked this question many times, Phil and his team of researchers have found away to interstalk someone you're jealous of without looking like, rightly, a stalker.

So for all you who like to look at more functional, less awkward people in the middle of the night with potato chips in your hair, here it is. Their quite scientific, very genius interwebs stalking etiquette paper.

Ew, look at Phil's Halloween selfie. What a conceited jerk.

So your life is becoming pretty sucky and you've got nothing to do. So what else would you do besides going on your competition's Instagram and seeing how they're doing? 

But this is a pretty risky thing to do. What if you accidentally like that selfie? What if you accidentally hit the comment button and say by accident, "u r the most beautiful epic and amazing person in the world ever," or "such a hawt selfie"? Because that's creepy. You need to slink around like a little slinky and make sure they never know you're there. So here's Phil's guide to polite instastalking.    Step one:

Locate the target's Instagram. Because most people have trouble instastalking without their target's Instagram, I hear. From here you can take several steps to satisfy your snooping eyes.

Look for evidence to prove your latest ridiculous theory about the target. For example, Phil said that Nirvana is the bomb. The bomb. See? He was hinting at his plan to blow up the universe! Proudly tell your friends that you told them so.

Mourn a little. Why does Phil have a boyfriend and you don't? I mean, you thought that they were in a minority. Or you're so lame that you can't find anyone in the majority?

Seek opportunity. His boyfriend's actually pretty cute. Is that a Nirvana T-shirt? His boyfriend's wearing a Nirvana T-shirt? And he's wearing a Ramones wristband, oh my gosh! Maybe he's bi...

Boost your ego. Laugh at their stupid faces, or the lame photos they're tagged in. Make yourself feel good about your own life by making fun of them (to yourself, in private, so no trouble can be caused. See above example). You totally wore that powdered wig better, so smile. 

Remind yourself that you're not jealous. You're just browsing and you just happened upon the target's Instagram. You have no hate or envy for them, and they're just a dandelion in your epic garden (ignore the fact that dandelions get wishes). And you're not jealous, you're just getting weird personal issues out in an awkward way that probably includes the intake of tons of chips. But it's still an art. That's why it's important to

Chill. Look, if you feel the need to post hate comments, remind yourself that even though you think they're better than you (and they're probably plotting the destruction of all life— the monster) doesn't mean they don't have feelings. This rule goes after all the other ones because it's the most important. Every human is human, people. 

Up Next, how to justify internet stalking.

A Motivational Message from Phil

Phil has it pretty bad, and you probably feel bad complaining about your personal junk, but you know what? That's not even that bad. See:

So you know you're an awkward loser. Someone you care about's been telling you so at least. And that's really not the most amazingly fun thing in the world to be told.

And you're feeling down. Because that's not the best news in the world to receive, especially when everyone's already been dragging you down.

Wow, you're thinking, this blog sure will be depressing. But don't worry:

Look at Phil. He's a total loser and he doesn't even care. I mean, look at him, he's flubbing fabulous. He wears a party hat nonstop and he's got no eyelids, for goodness sakes, but he's still doing that creepy dance-kick-karate thing. And he's here to make you feel a little less awkward too.

Because Phil's a good friend. He's got a representative with a computer, and he's not afraid to use it. While he is busy coming up with new genius discoveries, I'll be recording them for you. So without further ado, here is the ultimate survival guide for the modern awkward human on the interwebs.

How to Not Be a Clingy Friend

You're in my bubble, man. In my bubble.

Phil has a funny habit of being clingy. But that's not really that great. Because he was so very clingy, his few friends refused to save him when he was stuck in the stomach of a whale and he got digested. Don't get stuck in a whale's stomach. Stop being so clingy.

Firstly, make other friends. You can make friends with a pillow, or a dinosaur, or a human, of you please. Just center your world around a bunch of things, and try not to be that guy who has nothing else to do but sit around and wait for one person's schedule to open up. That's really awkward sometimes.

Don't be the crazed text monster. Phil used to have a friend named Bob. Bob and Phil were doing fine, going for slushies, cups of coffee. Then Phil decided to text Bob, "What's up, you smiley donut, you? Coffee?" Oh, and this was the seventeenth time he texted it. Forty days later, Bob texted him back. Five seconds after, he got a new text from Phil. As a result, Bob hated Phil's guys. And that's really not a good thing.

Best friendship goes both ways. No, friendship does not sleep with either gender, but if you have a best friend, you have to be their best friend too. Or else it will be really weird. 

Don't act on jealousy. Phil is a jealous person. I mean, who could blame him? His last date had 32 other dates at the same time. But be nice to your friend's other friends. Even though you may normally solve problems by politely explaining the situation with a baseball bat doesn't mean that's a good way to keep friends. Because in most cases, it's not (but there are a few exceptions).

You don't need to check up on them every day. If you see them, you shouldn't avoid them, but don't stalk people. Phil already tried that and it didn't work.

And most of all, try not to be dependent on just one friend. Because what if someone gets hit by a bus? Or they join a circus in Belgium? Or somebody decides to eat them? Having backup friends is never a bad idea (just don't let them know they're backup friends).

Up next: The Ultimate Guide To Polite Internet Stalking

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