A Motivational Message from Phil

Phil has it pretty bad, and you probably feel bad complaining about your personal junk, but you know what? That's not even that bad. See:

So you know you're an awkward loser. Someone you care about's been telling you so at least. And that's really not the most amazingly fun thing in the world to be told.

And you're feeling down. Because that's not the best news in the world to receive, especially when everyone's already been dragging you down.

Wow, you're thinking, this blog sure will be depressing. But don't worry:

Look at Phil. He's a total loser and he doesn't even care. I mean, look at him, he's flubbing fabulous. He wears a party hat nonstop and he's got no eyelids, for goodness sakes, but he's still doing that creepy dance-kick-karate thing. And he's here to make you feel a little less awkward too.

Because Phil's a good friend. He's got a representative with a computer, and he's not afraid to use it. While he is busy coming up with new genius discoveries, I'll be recording them for you. So without further ado, here is the ultimate survival guide for the modern awkward human on the interwebs.