Phil's Guide to Polite Instastalking

How do I stalk someone on the internet without looking like a total creep? Asked this question many times, Phil and his team of researchers have found away to interstalk someone you're jealous of without looking like, rightly, a stalker.

So for all you who like to look at more functional, less awkward people in the middle of the night with potato chips in your hair, here it is. Their quite scientific, very genius interwebs stalking etiquette paper.

Ew, look at Phil's Halloween selfie. What a conceited jerk.

So your life is becoming pretty sucky and you've got nothing to do. So what else would you do besides going on your competition's Instagram and seeing how they're doing? 

But this is a pretty risky thing to do. What if you accidentally like that selfie? What if you accidentally hit the comment button and say by accident, "u r the most beautiful epic and amazing person in the world ever," or "such a hawt selfie"? Because that's creepy. You need to slink around like a little slinky and make sure they never know you're there. So here's Phil's guide to polite instastalking.    Step one:

Locate the target's Instagram. Because most people have trouble instastalking without their target's Instagram, I hear. From here you can take several steps to satisfy your snooping eyes.

Look for evidence to prove your latest ridiculous theory about the target. For example, Phil said that Nirvana is the bomb. The bomb. See? He was hinting at his plan to blow up the universe! Proudly tell your friends that you told them so.

Mourn a little. Why does Phil have a boyfriend and you don't? I mean, you thought that they were in a minority. Or you're so lame that you can't find anyone in the majority?

Seek opportunity. His boyfriend's actually pretty cute. Is that a Nirvana T-shirt? His boyfriend's wearing a Nirvana T-shirt? And he's wearing a Ramones wristband, oh my gosh! Maybe he's bi...

Boost your ego. Laugh at their stupid faces, or the lame photos they're tagged in. Make yourself feel good about your own life by making fun of them (to yourself, in private, so no trouble can be caused. See above example). You totally wore that powdered wig better, so smile. 

Remind yourself that you're not jealous. You're just browsing and you just happened upon the target's Instagram. You have no hate or envy for them, and they're just a dandelion in your epic garden (ignore the fact that dandelions get wishes). And you're not jealous, you're just getting weird personal issues out in an awkward way that probably includes the intake of tons of chips. But it's still an art. That's why it's important to

Chill. Look, if you feel the need to post hate comments, remind yourself that even though you think they're better than you (and they're probably plotting the destruction of all life— the monster) doesn't mean they don't have feelings. This rule goes after all the other ones because it's the most important. Every human is human, people. 

Up Next, how to justify internet stalking.