Phil's Guide to Justifying Internet Stalking

Obviously, if you're reading this, you know exactly what it feels like to lose your self respect. You know what it feels like to have others lose their respect for you. And to be caught staring at a selfie by your worst enemy (she's pretty, she's nice, and she's pretty) in envy (also known as Internet stalking). And probably, if you read my last post in this little guide, this has happened very, very recently. But don't worry, here's a guide to gaining back your self respect after Internet stalking someone.

Phil's a stalker. Phil's attractive.

It's not actually stalking. Come on, you're just watching their account without following them and not liking any photos of theirs at all. It's not like your following them. Followers are the real stalkers.

It's a confidence booster. Unless, of course, you check their account desperately looking for something new and you find out that they're doing much better than you. And probably without even stalking someone that they hate.

You're on a mission to save the planet. Because guess what? They're evil. You tried to tell everyone that they're not really feeding the homeless soup, it's poison, and when they put rat poison and blood in the water supply, you can say you told them so. Spying on them will do the world a favor.

They put it on social media. It was supposed to be seen. So it's not like they would be bothered by the fact that some random person is drooling over and hating on every photo.

It's flattering. You only wish someone was going through your profile and looking in your windows. Wouldn't it make anyone's day to find a camera in their bedroom?

You're actually studying for a change. This is for a research project, and you're an expert. You know the subject's boyfriend, siblings, mother, second cousin pet fish, and the butterfly that lives in zir backyard. Is this not a good thing?

The subject totally isn't a human with feelings. So who cares if you brutally slam them and bully and stalk them? They can't be human, just because they have a brain and can love. Just feel free to be inhumane and be a total jerk behind a computer screen. They're perfect, they can't possibly take it to heart.*

*Denotes sarcasm