Phil's Guide to Justifying Internet Stalking

Obviously, if you're reading this, you know exactly what it feels like to lose your self respect. You know what it feels like to have others lose their respect for you. And to be caught staring at a selfie by your worst enemy (she's pretty, she's nice, and she's pretty) in envy (also known as Internet stalking). And probably, if you read my last post in this little guide, this has happened very, very recently. But don't worry, here's a guide to gaining back your self respect after Internet stalking someone.

Phil's a stalker. Phil's attractive.

It's not actually stalking. Come on, you're just watching their account without following them and not liking any photos of theirs at all. It's not like your following them. Followers are the real stalkers.

It's a confidence booster. Unless, of course, you check their account desperately looking for something new and you find out that they're doing much better than you. And probably without even stalking someone that they hate.

You're on a mission to save the planet. Because guess what? They're evil. You tried to tell everyone that they're not really feeding the homeless soup, it's poison, and when they put rat poison and blood in the water supply, you can say you told them so. Spying on them will do the world a favor.

They put it on social media. It was supposed to be seen. So it's not like they would be bothered by the fact that some random person is drooling over and hating on every photo.

It's flattering. You only wish someone was going through your profile and looking in your windows. Wouldn't it make anyone's day to find a camera in their bedroom?

You're actually studying for a change. This is for a research project, and you're an expert. You know the subject's boyfriend, siblings, mother, second cousin pet fish, and the butterfly that lives in zir backyard. Is this not a good thing?

The subject totally isn't a human with feelings. So who cares if you brutally slam them and bully and stalk them? They can't be human, just because they have a brain and can love. Just feel free to be inhumane and be a total jerk behind a computer screen. They're perfect, they can't possibly take it to heart.*

*Denotes sarcasm

Phil's Guide to Polite Instastalking

How do I stalk someone on the internet without looking like a total creep? Asked this question many times, Phil and his team of researchers have found away to interstalk someone you're jealous of without looking like, rightly, a stalker.

So for all you who like to look at more functional, less awkward people in the middle of the night with potato chips in your hair, here it is. Their quite scientific, very genius interwebs stalking etiquette paper.

Ew, look at Phil's Halloween selfie. What a conceited jerk.

So your life is becoming pretty sucky and you've got nothing to do. So what else would you do besides going on your competition's Instagram and seeing how they're doing? 

But this is a pretty risky thing to do. What if you accidentally like that selfie? What if you accidentally hit the comment button and say by accident, "u r the most beautiful epic and amazing person in the world ever," or "such a hawt selfie"? Because that's creepy. You need to slink around like a little slinky and make sure they never know you're there. So here's Phil's guide to polite instastalking.    Step one:

Locate the target's Instagram. Because most people have trouble instastalking without their target's Instagram, I hear. From here you can take several steps to satisfy your snooping eyes.

Look for evidence to prove your latest ridiculous theory about the target. For example, Phil said that Nirvana is the bomb. The bomb. See? He was hinting at his plan to blow up the universe! Proudly tell your friends that you told them so.

Mourn a little. Why does Phil have a boyfriend and you don't? I mean, you thought that they were in a minority. Or you're so lame that you can't find anyone in the majority?

Seek opportunity. His boyfriend's actually pretty cute. Is that a Nirvana T-shirt? His boyfriend's wearing a Nirvana T-shirt? And he's wearing a Ramones wristband, oh my gosh! Maybe he's bi...

Boost your ego. Laugh at their stupid faces, or the lame photos they're tagged in. Make yourself feel good about your own life by making fun of them (to yourself, in private, so no trouble can be caused. See above example). You totally wore that powdered wig better, so smile. 

Remind yourself that you're not jealous. You're just browsing and you just happened upon the target's Instagram. You have no hate or envy for them, and they're just a dandelion in your epic garden (ignore the fact that dandelions get wishes). And you're not jealous, you're just getting weird personal issues out in an awkward way that probably includes the intake of tons of chips. But it's still an art. That's why it's important to

Chill. Look, if you feel the need to post hate comments, remind yourself that even though you think they're better than you (and they're probably plotting the destruction of all life— the monster) doesn't mean they don't have feelings. This rule goes after all the other ones because it's the most important. Every human is human, people. 

Up Next, how to justify internet stalking.