5 Awkward Conversations We All Have (And How to Stop Them fromHappening)

Awkward silences. Nobody likes them. You know how it is— you're talking with a random person and then suddenly it turns weird. The whole conversation just gets really creepy, and you stand there wondering if you really just said what you just said. But no more! There are new studies on the types of awkward conversations in the world. So without further ado, please enjoy this scientific paper by Phil and his team of fictional researchers, and identify the beginning of an awkward conversation before it occurs.

Because it is your birthday. Right?

The type: “I'm not racist, but...” Okay. Both the speaker and the listener know that the most racist statement ever is about to be said. Please also count these popular variations:

• “No offense, but...”
• “I'm not sexist, but...”
• “I don't mean to be mean, but...”
• “I'm not homophobic, but...”
• “I'm saying this as a friend...”

Just shut up. There's an awkward silence coming and you know it. The only way to make this less awkward is to stop in the middle of your sentence and flop onto the ground and pretend to be a fish. Seriously. Because that's less awkward than whatever you're about to say.

The type: “Happy birthday...?” Especially if it's a family member or a really close friend. And if you're busy telling yourself you've never forgotten someone's birthday, you're in denial. And for all you lovely couples out there, with one of you that keeps forgetting your anniversary? Yeah, that 
counts.

 If you're not the lame-cover-up type person, don't bother risking saying “Happy...” whatever early or too late. Just don't mention it, carry around a lolly in your pocket, and do that “You thought I forgot, didn't you?” thing when they bring it up. It works.

The type: “Hey... you.” Don't blame yourself for this awkward conversation. You don't necessarily know this guy. You don't necessarily like this guy. You haven't seen this guy in a while, and you totally didn't expect the guy to jump ot of the bushes and yell out, “Hey, Phil! Remember me?"

So you make a pathetic attempt at saying a casual hello. It's supposed to sound all smooth and creepy, but it comes out like

“Hey... you... Yeah, remember me?”

But that's really not the best way to respond. You could always use the lolly strategy or the fish imitation strategy, but the best strategy in my book is the one where you go

“Let's come up with a nickname for you that rhymes with your name.” Not so subtle, but it's pretty nice. They're probably dull; they'll never know.

The type: “Don't you ever...?” We're all individuals. Saucy, unique, epic individuals with different tastes. But some tastes are more socially acceptable than others. So be careful before you ask, “Don't you love practicing taxidermy and dancing around with the stuffed heads, wearing nothing but a loincloth at midnight?”

Normally when that happens, you are rewarded with the familiar awkward silence, while you question your sanity and the logic all of the events of your life so far. But sometimes, instead of a mere silence, you can almost hear the listener's respect for you falling as you stand there without anything else to say.

In these cases, it is best to push the person down and run away immediately, hoping that the fall messes with their memory.

The type: “It's time to make some changes around here...” So this conversation isn't even a conversation, it's more like a speech, probably the most awkward thing of all, and if you are lucky enough to have human interaction, you probably know exactly how it feels. Please also count these popular variations:

• “I've been thinking...”
• “So <insert random person> and I have been talking...”
• “There's change over yonder...”
• “Family meeting time...”
• “It's time to make some very important decisions...”
• “Listen closely, because this affects ALL of us...”

And most of the time, the speaker has a sidekick next to them to nod vigorously and repeat the last word of every sentence they say. Everyone knows they're envisioning the American flag waving behind them, and the orchestra and the cheesy camera effects and all that jazz.

Sadly, there is no escaping this awkward conversation, and all you can do is wrap a bandage around 

your head and pretend that change really is coming, and you're not suffering this long lecture for 

nothing. Even though you probably are. Sorry.